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Author Topic: Sympathy For The Devil (Fanfic)  (Read 637 times)

Offline CanzetYote

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Sympathy For The Devil (Fanfic)
« on: April 13, 2016, 11:13:07 PM »
NOTE: I just finished watching the Watership Down TV series and after seeing a pic on deviantArt of Vervain giving Pipkin ice cream, I decided I just had to write a feelsy oneshot about Pipkin comforting a broken Vervain. I have a bit of a love-hate opinion on Vervain from the TV series. He's a cowardly and cruel scumbag but at the same time, he's so pathetic that I can't help but pity him at how he's always mistreated. Keep in mind that there's suicide by drowning involved in this oneshot so if that serves as a trigger, you should probably turn back now. Read and review!

Emptiness, nothingness burned away at Vervain's wretched soul. Woundwort was dead, gone. His beloved general. The dark rabbit rushed through the forest, tears clouding his vision as thoughts of his situation raced through his mind like a runaway train. There was no way he could turn to Watership Down, not after the way he backstabbed them after they saved his life. Bigwig in particular would tear his head clean off his body if he ever showed his face around that warren. Whatever rabbits remained in Darkhaven would beat him to a bloody pulp. Then, there was Cowslip's Warren and Vervain wasn't to keen on the idea of hanging out with a mad sociopath surrounded by snares. There were only two options left for the poor scumbag: become a hlessi or commit suicide. He thought deeply about the later option. The sweet yet cold embrace of the Black Rabbit Of Inle.

In just a few seconds, Vervain exited the forest and entered a clearing with a pond. He gazed at his reflection in the crystal clear water and what stared back was a mangy, ugly demon of a rabbit. Bowing his head, Vervain felt a bitter tear sneak down his nose and drip into the pond. The most pathetic sob escaped his throat and right at that moment, he felt a small paw rubbing against his back, "Please don't cry."

The voice was gentle and cute. With a sniffle, Vervain turned and saw Pipkin smiling at him. He wrinkled his tear-streaked face in disgust, "Just leave me alone, you annoying little brat."

"But you're so sad. Is it because you miss Woundwort?" Pipkin asked as he continued to stroke Vervain's back.

Vervain angrily swatted Pipkin's paw away and shot a tear-filled glare at him. He tried to look as menacing as possible but through his tears, he looked about as vulnerable as ever, "That's none of your business. Besides, I don't need your stupid little charity."

Pipkin ingored Vervain's attitude and took the black rabbit's paw into his own, squeezing it, "I know how terrified you must be. Hazel, Bigwig and the others may not forgive you but I sure do. In fact, I think I'd like to be your friend. You were always so loyal to Woundwort and I know that it must be really hard to lose a close friend. While Keehar isn't dead, I really do miss him. But you know what, Vervain? You don't have to be afraid anymore, you don't have to run away anymore. You're finally free and so is Woundwort. You can insult me all you want, you can even push me off of a bridge but that won't change the fact that I care about you. You're not alone in this world, Vervain. I'll be there, right by your side. If there's anything you need, I'll help you. Okay?" And with that, Pipkin wrapped his arms around Vervain and gave him the biggest hug that his little body could.

Vervain's breathing was now all shaky and salty tears were dripping off his goatee. It took a good five minutes for him to compose himself before he wiped his tears away and turned to smile sadly at Pipkin, "Please, Pipkin. I'm a lost cause...don't waste your breath on a scumbag like me. Even if you really do care about me, your warren hates my rotten guts. I appreciate your offer but I'm too long gone for anyone's sympathy. I'll always treasure what you said to me. Even if Silverweed still had his powers, I don't even have a heart to look into. I'm afraid that I don't deserve a friend like you. So just pretend that you never saw me like this."

Pipkin nodded, squeezing Vervain's paw ever harder, "I wish you the best of luck, then. For better or worse, I'll never forget you, Vervain."

Pipkin gave Vervain one last hug before he turned tail and took off, leaving the black rabbit all alone again. Storm clouds were now gathered in the sky and Vervain could feel the icy cold rain blending with the hot tears rolling down his muzzle as he cried like a newborn. He thought about Pipkin's kind words. Kindness that he did not deserve.

"I'm so sorry, Pipkin. I'm so, so, so sorry. I...don't even...deserve...to...live..." Vervain choked out to himself, his heart aching worse and worse with every word.

Shivering all over, Vervain closed his eyes, "I'll see you again, General Woundwort."

And with that, Vervain dove into the pond and forced himself underwater. He could feel the water fill his lungs yet this time, he did not struggle. He welcomed the Black Rabbit of Inle and everything turned to pitch darkness. The next morning, Hazel and his warren found Vervain's body floating in the pond. Pipkin and Fiver were the only ones who shed any tears at the passing. Bigwig and Hawkbit smirked while the rest sadly shook their heads. Primrose let out a sigh, "He's dead. I know I'm supposed to be happy but no one deserves to die alone. Not even him."

"He didn't die alone, Primrose." Pipkin replied, his tears now dried, "I was right there by his side."

The end.

NOTE: Also, I'm not sure exactly where to post fanfiction in this forum.

Offline mistercynical

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Sympathy For The Devil (Fanfic)
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2016, 11:44:41 PM »
The feels...

Great stuff, I have one word: More.

Extend this, make my heart drown in melancholy fiction!
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Offline Chipster-roo

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Sympathy For The Devil (Fanfic)
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2016, 01:17:21 AM »
I read this on Fanfiction.net, it's really good.

Fanfic belongs in the "Lord Frith's Field of Creation" section, shall I move this thread?
Have you considered making each day count - doing something meaningful each day - instead of letting the days and weeks and months and years fly into oblivion? --Bright Side

Thanks to Rosie Willowwater for the avatar!!


Offline Bright Side

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Sympathy For The Devil (Fanfic)
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2016, 09:29:28 PM »
Quote from: Chipster-roo on Apr 13 2016, 09:17:21 PM
Fanfic belongs in the "Lord Frith's Field of Creation" section, shall I move this thread?
Yes.

CanzetYote, I like it. However, I want to point out a recurring stylistic error. When a character performs an action and begins to speak, there should be a period - not a comma - before the speech tags. Here's what I mean.

Quote from: Quote:on 
The most pathetic sob escaped his throat and right at that moment, he felt a small paw rubbing against his back, <-- Period not comma "Please don't cry."

Pipkin nodded, squeezing Vervain's paw ever harder, <-- Period not comma "I wish you the best..."

Shivering all over, Vervain closed his eyes, <-- Period not comma "I'll see you again, General Woundwort."

The next part is just my opinion and suggestions, so take it with a good pinch of salt.

I felt like the talking between Pipkin and Vervain was a bit rushed, that maybe there could have been more going back and forth between the two instead of a couple of long paragraphs.

Regarding the paragraphs specifically, I feel like a bit of break in between all the dialogue could bring more life. When there's a lot of dialogue all at once, it may get a bit detached from reality, seeming more like a bunch of words than the speech of a character. Here's what I mean.

Quote from: Quote:on 
Pipkin ingored Vervain's attitude and took the black rabbit's paw into his own, squeezing it, "I know how terrified you must be. Hazel, Bigwig and the others may not forgive you but I sure do. In fact, I think I'd like to be your friend.

Here I may have put something like: "Vervain glanced down at the younger buck, blinking his eyes in puzzlement." It shows that the other character is, in fact, listening and reacting to what's being said. Then, I would have continued with Pipkin's speech, adding more breaks where I think they fit.

Just my thoughts, and feel free to ask if something doesn't make sense. Good job and interesting, inspiring story with a clever title to match. I'd like to see more writing from you.
Thank you to Chipster-roo for the avatar!

Offline mistercynical

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Sympathy For The Devil (Fanfic)
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2016, 11:01:01 PM »
Quote from: Bright Side on Apr 14 2016, 05:29:28 PM
I felt like the talking between Pipkin and Vervain was a bit rushed, that maybe there could have been more going back and forth between the two instead of a couple of long paragraphs.
In CanzetYote's defense, I saw this piece as a sort of short story, a sample of a plot to be expanded later, so I was alright with the hasty dialogue. But yes, that's why I suggested he extend this.

Build a setting; a time, a place, a smell, a sight. Build a mood, and keep the pace. You can include more adverbs and adjectives to slow the pace (more dramatic and sombre for something of this nature) while also taking advantage of connotative meaning to further create atmosphere.

Also, I read somewhere that the best way to make the reader feel sympathetic for a character is by showing that the character is trying to resolve the situation, instead of showing emotions connected to decisions. Perhaps, instead of exposition explaining the predicament, show Vervain attempting to rationalize the situation, leading to the conclusion that he's trapped with no way out with his pride/sanity. That way, the reader is not only logically following the plot, but emotionally following the plot.

Anyways, by no means am I instructing you on how to write your story, it's just some hints I've picked up from my travels and a few writing courses.

Keep 'er going!
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Offline Chipster-roo

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Sympathy For The Devil (Fanfic)
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2016, 12:37:42 AM »
Quote from: Bright Side on Apr 14 2016, 05:29:28 PM
Quote from: Chipster-roo on Apr 13 2016, 09:17:21 PM
Fanfic belongs in the "Lord Frith's Field of Creation" section, shall I move this thread?
Yes.
Topic moved.

(This is the first time I do this, let me know if I did anything wrong.)
« Last Edit: April 15, 2016, 12:46:44 AM by Chipster-roo »
Have you considered making each day count - doing something meaningful each day - instead of letting the days and weeks and months and years fly into oblivion? --Bright Side

Thanks to Rosie Willowwater for the avatar!!


Offline Bright Side

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Sympathy For The Devil (Fanfic)
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2016, 07:15:40 PM »
It was perfect, Chipster!

Quote from: mistercynical on  
Also, I read somewhere that the best way to make the reader feel sympathetic for a character is by showing that the character is trying to resolve the situation, instead of showing emotions connected to decisions. Perhaps, instead of exposition explaining the predicament, show Vervain attempting to rationalize the situation, leading to the conclusion that he's trapped with no way out with his pride/sanity. That way, the reader is not only logically following the plot, but emotionally following the plot.

I know this wasn't meant for me, but I'm a growing writer myself, and I would love to know ways to improve. Do you mind explaining this idea a bit more for me?
Thank you to Chipster-roo for the avatar!

Offline Myrkin

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Sympathy For The Devil (Fanfic)
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2016, 10:40:08 PM »
Pipkin might be a small rabbit, but he's got a big heart. :)

Like others said, this story could be extended a bit. I can imagine Pipkin keep trying to convince Vervain to give friendship a try, even if the latter doesn't believe he deserves it. Even if Pipkin finally gives up, I think he would leave Vervain with something like "If you ever change you mind, I'll be waiting. You know where to find us."


Quote from: Quote:on 
Even if Silverweed still had his powers, I don't even have a heart to look into.

Sorry for nitpicking, but how does Vervain know about Silverweed losing his powers? Did he stay around Watership Down long enough to overhear what Silverweed said?
« Last Edit: April 17, 2016, 10:48:52 PM by Myrkin »
"My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today." - Hazel

Pessimist sees a dark tunnel. Optimist sees a light in the tunnel. Realist sees the light of coming train. And the train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.