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Author Topic: Happy Mother's Day blackberry - rewritten version  (Read 548 times)

Offline Madrox123

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Happy Mother's Day blackberry - rewritten version
« on: April 22, 2016, 10:23:22 AM »
It was a special day for watership day, something everyone was excited about, except for a certain small rabbit.

Pipkin sighed as he hopped  out out his warran, and went outside near a tree.

It's been years since his family has left him because of the weasel and pipkin began to wonder if his pain would ever stop. Days like these, it seems like the pain got worse for pipkin. Blackberry would often hear him cry sometimes outside when left alone and tried to comfort him.

Pipkin began to feel grateful that blackberry supported him and helped through this sad day. He began to wonder about something.

hmm, blackberry helped me through this sad day, can she...be.....?' Pipkin thought, then the sad memories came as pipkin began to cry.

No matter how supportive she is, I miss my mother. Oh frith, I wish this pain would stop.

pipkin sobbed as bigwig and spartina came out outside as well.

"What a glorious day today, eh bigwig?" Spartina asked.

"Yeah, nothing like a good Mother's Day for this day." bigwig cheered then suddenly blinked at the realisation of his speech.

"That did not make sense did it?" Bigwig mumbled, blushing in embarrassed.

Spartina chuckled and shook her head. Bigwig and his jumbled up sentances made her fall for him all the more.

"No bigwig, it didn't-" she was interrupted as both spartina and bigwig heard a soft sobbing noise. They looked at each other then hopped to the sounds coming from the tree. They were shocked when they found it was pipkin behind a tree, crying.

"Pipkin, you alright?" Pipkin stopped crying and looked up as he heard bigwig.

He smiled weakly then looked back, blinking back his tears that are threatening to fall down his furry cheeks.

"Hey bigwig....hey...spartina..." Pipkin choked as he then began to cry into his paws. They were worried as they hopped up closer to him, both on either side of Pipkin.

"Are you okay? You were crying and we were wondering if you could tell us." spartina replied, clearly worried for him.

Pipkin sighed. He might as well tell them. He took a deep breath.

"I miss-miss my-my mummy, it's Mother's Day, and,I-I don't have one." He screamed as both rabbits were shocked at his sudden outburst. They listened tentatively as the young buck continued.

"Everyone has a parent, hawkbit,dandelion, even the junior owslas. Every parent came to the warren as I was alone. ALONE I TELL YA. I need my mother, I can't live without her....I just-" pipkin couldn't continue as he began to sob harder.


"I'm sorry, lad. I.....I forgot you lost your parents to a weasel." Bigwig apologised, sympathetically placing a paw on the young'n's head and rubbed it gently.

Spartina watched on with sad eyes, unable to find something to help ease the young buck's pain. Suddenly she remembered something.

"Hey, I just realised something. I seen blackberry being all, eh, what's that word again, 'motherly' to ya, lately."

Pipkin calmed down and contemplated this, It's true on what spartina said. Blackberry was being sweet and kind and always comforted him.

Suddenly he just realised something. Blackberry's  comfort was like his mothers. Maybe she could be his.....well...maybe she could.

"Maybe she could be my mother for today." pipkin shouted with glee.

"She did comfort me when I cried the most today, maybe I should get her something. For making  me happy and for me being grateful for her hard work to cheer me up." pipkin smiled at the thought.

"That's a good idea lad, I'm sure she would be very happy." bigwig smiled at pipkin. Truth be told, bigwig thought pipkin's becoming a true owsla captain and a true leader. How proud of him for his maturity.

That Lad is growing up way to fast. Ugh, if only my owsla could learn a thing or too from him. heh, but then again, when it comes to training, that's just wishful thinking.

Spartina smiled as the young buck hopped away. She noticed as the days gone by on watership down, pipkin has been leading the junior owsla, which bigwig told her of. but what impressed her the most was his bravery and skills and quick thinking, especially at his age.

....


Pipkin was hopping around and saw his mole friend drumlin, came from the hole as he was curious as to what pipkin's doing.

"Pipkin, what are you doing?" Drumlin asked, curiosity got The better of him.

"I need to find blackberry something. She made me happy and I'm grateful for her to help me today. Do you know what to get her?"

Drumlin gave a thought, "hmm.........well, since its Mother's Day, why not give her a flower, I know they won't last, but I know for sure that it would make blackberry proud and happy. After all, a flower is a mother's favorite gift."

Pipkin smiled at that thought.

"Okay, I know what to get her." pipkin hopped around the trees to find her a perfect gift.

  .......                                                  

Back At the warren, Hazel had hopped on the rock, announcing the meeting. Every rabbit along with their mothers had gathered around to hear Hazel's speech.

"Everyone, listen up. Today's been a terrific day for all of the rabbits, their ancestors and families to come on this special day. Each one of us should be proud of what our parents have achieved, how they loved us from the day were born, how we made them proud since growing up for a new life. We should forever be grateful that we still have them in our lives, for we don't have anymore. Don't take them for granted. Always love and cherish them, thank you." Everyone began cheering for his speech. Hazel and fivers  mother gave hazel a hug. She was crying tears of joy at his speech.

"Well  done son, I'm so proud of you for what you and fiver has done for this warren." she gave fiver a hug as well.

Suddenly Pipkin came back hopping into the warren. "The day hasn't finished yet."

The place was a bit stuffed and crowded, but eventually found blackberry, having a chat with campion on something he didn't understand.

He hesitantly came up to her. She noticed pipkin and smiled softly. campion noticed as well and smiled at the young buck, the same one who changed his life.

"Um...blackberry...I got you something." he handed her the flower as she curiously took it from him carefully, and gasped. She looked at pipkin.

"Pipkin?" Pipkin looked at her, worried she wouldn't like it, but he felt soft arms around him as he looked up and smiled at him softly, tears filled her eyes.

"Oh pipkin, it's beautiful, but what's the occasion?" She meant that as a joke but couldn't help as she notice the flower was her favourite: a violet.

Pipkin smiled sheepishly, and hugged her tighter. He felt as if he didn't want to let blackberry go, or lose his second....mother.

Mother... that word alone made him tear up. Oh he has so much to thank her.

"I just want to let you know that....I'm grateful that you helped me through this day. You've been a great help and I just want you to know........I guess what I'm trying to say is....I love you....mother." pipkin smiled as he cried into her chest.

Blackberry was touched at what she heard. Basically in tears, She hugged him back.

"Aww pipkin, you have no Idea how proud I am of you...and I love you too."

Pipkin smiled as tears fell down in his cheeks as well as they both held each other.

Campion smiled at the sight. He began to think back on the day pipkin helped him and blackberry come together as pipkin saved his life.

"Pipkin sure helped a lot, didn't he?"

Campion heard a voice as bigwig hopped up to him, smiling.

Campion nodded, smiling proudly. "Yes bigwig. He's a fine lad, he is. Not only he saved my life, he saved mine and blackberry's relationship as well. He truly is a great owsla captain and a worthy friend."

"Maybe someday when he leads his own warren, he'll become a great captain and a great leader like me." bigwig boasted.

Campion snorted. "Pffft, No way, he looks up to me and you know it. After all, he did save me. When was the last time he saved you, huh?"

Bigwig scoffed, obviously offended. "What? I have you know, campion, Is that he......"

Blackberry chuckled as she heard Campion and bigwig bickering on who pipkin looks up to the most, but that doesn't matter to her, right now she has pipkin with her and she couldn't help but feel grateful that she met pipkin.

"Blackberry?" she looked at pipkin, smiling softly as she held pipkin in her soft arms.

"Yes pipkin?"

Pipkin sighed contently as he nuzzled her chest for warmth that he felt not only on his body' but in his heart.




"Happy Mother's Day."
« Last Edit: April 22, 2016, 10:36:47 AM by Madrox123 »

Offline Chipster-roo

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Happy Mother's Day blackberry - rewritten version
« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2016, 04:23:16 PM »
I haven't read the original, so I can't really comment on any improvements in this version.

There are good things and bad things with this version.  You fail to capitalize character names several times.  Also, you talk about Hazel and Fiver's mother who is apparently right there at the Down to tell them she is proud of them.  She didn't escape from Sandleford warren, so why is she there?

The good things?  As a sweet story that explores the relationship between Pipkin and Blackberry, it works.  Pipkin is a nice character and handled very well.  Bigwig's scenes are funny.  Blackberry's appearance is rather short, but the scene is touching.

I've read a few of your other stories on fanfiction.net and this isn't one of your best.  However, I hope you write more fics, and you will improve.
Have you considered making each day count - doing something meaningful each day - instead of letting the days and weeks and months and years fly into oblivion? --Bright Side

Thanks to Rosie Willowwater for the avatar!!


Offline Acacia Heartstrings

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Happy Mother's Day blackberry - rewritten version
« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2016, 05:39:16 PM »
I have this waiting list. Soon I will be able to read.
I love Watership Down!
 
Everything is fine =) (?)

Offline Madrox123

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Happy Mother's Day blackberry - rewritten version
« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2016, 10:07:11 PM »
Thank you for for the honest feedback. I realised I made a few more mistakes in here, but I didn't see all of it. Thanks for pointing them out. I'll remember to improve on them, next time. Again, I appreciate the good feedback and the critique. Next time, I will improve better. :)

I guess I added hazels mother is because I wanted to, I guess, add more depth to the story, although I kinda failed at that. ^^' I hope the characters were not OOC in it.

And blackberry's short appearance? I thought it would be more touching. Yeah, I guess this story isn't the best, but I tried, and I will improve as I go along. :)

Again, I appreciate the honest feedback. :)
« Last Edit: April 22, 2016, 10:08:36 PM by Madrox123 »

Offline Bright Side

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Happy Mother's Day blackberry - rewritten version
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2016, 01:53:32 AM »
I like the idea of this one-shot! Sweet and inspiring ^^

However, the fact that the names aren't capitalized is a distraction. I would recommend giving it a grammar check :) Also, pay attention to flow of words. With practice, writing eloquently will come more naturally.

Like I said, inspiring. I'm glad I read it! :)
« Last Edit: April 23, 2016, 01:53:45 AM by Bright Side »
Thank you to Chipster-roo for the avatar!

Offline Acacia Heartstrings

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Happy Mother's Day blackberry - rewritten version
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2016, 04:37:10 PM »
I could finally see it. Pipkin always had that void in his heart, lacked a mother, the sweet Blackberry can fill it with happiness. And such a beautiful gift was best to prove and say thank you: a violet flower.
HAZEL discurde good. And it is true Pipkin saved the life of Campion on one occasion to scare the crows.
It's a nice story.   :blackberry2    :pipkin
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Offline Madrox123

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Happy Mother's Day blackberry - rewritten version
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2016, 08:46:59 PM »
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. I appreciate the compliment and feedback. ?